BONWAG Lists: Great Warning Signs

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Whether these signs are real or not; I don't care.

• In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
• In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
• In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
• Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
• In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
• On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.(PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
• English sign in a German cafe: MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING
• Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
• Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
• Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
• Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
• Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
• Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
• Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
• At a motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
• In a health-food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
• Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
• Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
• Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
• Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
• On a repair shop door:WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
• Norfolk farm gate:BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
• In a toilet in a London office block:TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
• Announcement in the Zoo: Please don't scare the ostriches! Cement floor!

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