883-10 8dovJ 3.8 Selected-By: Scott Forbes The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The wisest, most intelligent oracle sir, could you please tell me what > I can do with year old tuna. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 101 Uses for Year-Old Tuna } by The Internet Oracle } } 1. Kindergarten art projects. } 2. Extract the mercury, make a tiny thermometer. } 3. A newsgroup: alt.year-old-tuna } 4. Your cats will love it! } 5. Go-cart wheels. } 6. Makes a good core to wind old bits of string around. } 7. Glue a can onto the ceiling of the Astrodome. } 8. Stack up 87 cases, call it art, make Christo jealous. } 9. Feed it to Windows 95 programmers. They'll never notice. } 10. Beads on a giant abacus. } 11. Fish oil is flammable. Make candles. Your cats will love it! } 12. Rent a helicopter and drop year-old tuna on your enemies. } 13. Skeet shooting. } 14. Sneak it back onto your grocer's shelves. } 15. It's fun to watch cans roll down steep hills. } 16. Leave one can every day in the library book drop. } 17. Spray paint the cans with fun colors and play shuffleboard. } 18. See whether Dr. Kevorkian can use them. } 19. Melt them to get the metal. This will make an odor. (Get it?) } 20. Aw, c'mon. That's a three-way pun. Give it another chance. } 21. Use them in a commando raid upon your neighbors' houses. } 22. Visit Mount Rushmore and hide the cans in Teddy's nose. } 23. Keep the tuna for fifty years, then call it an antique. } 24. Makes a great hockey puck. } 25. Paint a can blue, leave it on your coffee table. } 26. Leave the cans in your toilet tank to conserve water. } 27. Get Newt to accept year-old tuna as a donation. } 28. Rub year-old tuna upon your torso. Your cats will love it! } 29. Keep a can in your trunk for emergencies. } 30. Mail it to your friends in Iceland. } 31. Give a can to your ex. Laugh maniacally and take it back. } 32. Drop it in the bay, then place a lost and found ad. } 33. Make bar bets that you can fit a whole can in your mouth. } 34. Pass electricity through it until it glows. } 35. Leave a can in a new car during a test drive. } 36. Use cans as percussion instruments in your band, "Outer Tuna". } 37. 'Year-old tuna' anagrams to 'Yoda Renault'. } 38. Paint a symbol on a can and sell it as a new-age power-token. } 39. Make year-old tuna sandwiches. } 40. Build a radio inside the can. Call it the "Tuna-tin 2". } 41. Makes a fun hat. Your cats will love it! } 42. Good for making dolphins upset. ("So long!") } 43. Good for making dolphin-lovers upset. } 44. Make the Secret Service nervous. Give it to Socks Clinton. } 45. Take a can to church, ask that it be blessed. } 46. Make two cans into "tuna goggles". } 47. With enough postage, you can mail a can without a box. } 48. Hide three cans under your car seat, confess it at Customs. } 49. Calculate how many cans could fill Lake Erie. } 50. Return a can to the video store. } 51. Give year-old tuna to your sweetheart on Valentine's Day. } 52. Use an empty can as a rain gauge. } 53. Ballast. } 54. Meditate upon the bar code. } 55. Polish the lid until you can see yourself in it. } 56. Microwave it until it explodes. } 57. Build a tiny city inside the can. Intimidate the inhabitants. } 58. Use fish oil in your metronome. Your cats will love it! } 59. Leave a can to your nephew in your will. } 60. Paint the cans bright orange. Claim they were left by aliens. } 61. String them into a necklace. } 62. Cast its star chart, find out whether it's a Pisces. } 63. Rub it on your car. Your cats will love it! } 64. Ask a taxidermist to mount it. } 65. Hide cans instead of eggs for Easter. } 66. 6-1/8 ounce shot put. } 67. Wait a while, get it into the Guinness Book of World Records. } 68. Paint the cans red and black. Use them as checkers. } 69. Invent a time machine, and send the tuna to the dinosaurs. } 70. File the cans under F for fish. } 71. Decode the numbers stamped into the can. (Hint: 3=R.) } 72. Recycle each can into five bracelets. } 73. Make year-old tuna melt. It's not a bad as it sounds. } 74. C'mon. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it. } 75. Through a small hole, clean the can and build a watch inside. } 76. Use it in the laundry. Your cats will love it! } 77. Paint the cans yellow, call them "Solar Tuna". } 78. Give a can to your date. Ask for a kiss in return. } 79. Drop it from the third-floor, shouting "It's raining tuna!" } 80. Name the cans "George," "Jerry," "Elaine," and "Kramer." } 81. If you have a fifth can, call it "Newman." } 82. Make a year-old tuna screen saver. } 83. Use the cans for bodybuilding. Pump tuna. } 84. Pray to Charlie Tuna. Sacrifice your tuna to him. } 85. Use the labels as a mod headband. } 86. Carry a can wherever you go. Don't explain, don't apologize. } 87. Hammer the cans flat, re-roof your home. } 88. Give it out on Halloween. Call it "Tuna from the Crypt." } 89. Decorate the cans with glitter, make Martha Stuart jealous. } 90. Use the cans to plumb Crater Lake. } 91. Ask your favorite sushi chef to make it into dinner. } 92. Put it in a pyramid, wait 4000 years, see if it's fresh. } 93. Rub it on your furnace filters. Your cats will love it! } 94. Leave a can at your photo shop for developing. } 95. Put a parachute onto each can. Drop them over Bermuda. } 96. Shake a can to hear a fun squishy sound. } 97. Put a can in your piano. Call it your "piano tuna." } 98. Send year-old tuna to Internet spammers. } 99. Start the new craze: year-old tuna-flavored espresso. } 100. Invent a tuna-disk drive and make a fortune. } 101. Make a replica of the "Venus de Milo." Your cats will love it! } } You owe the Oracle a year's supply of sushi.